A perennial expat muses about her recent move from Zurich to Munich and her travels around Germany, Europe, and the world. Currently: bracing for Oktoberfest.
Not the part in Norwegian - I understood that perfectly, it says "age limit 24". But the English part had me puzzled. Do I have to take my bra off to go in? I wondered. Do they have something against jock straps?
Is it common for bars to have such signs up, and I've just never noticed before?
Yeah, we thought the answer was pretty obvious, too:
It's true, stuff + cats does = awesome! Thanks to Oscar for being such a good sport.
Seriously, I had no idea these Europeans were so barbaric. This must be what the Republicans mean when the talk about those scary European values...
I'm guessing that most visitors to this guy's website don't actually have pigeon removal in mind...
It's a fashion show! It's an interpretive dance! It's... new soccer uniforms?
Like any good blogger, I obsessively monitor occasionally look to see how visitors come to find their way to my humble little website. The google searches, in particular, are always good for a bit of fun. I can only guess what the searchers were really hoping to find, but here are a few stabs at answering their queries (feel free to offer your own answers/interpretations in the comments):
american wear dirndl to oktoberfest
Yes, even Americans wear dirndls to Oktoberfest. If you want to buy one for yourself, make it one like this, so the rest of us can laugh at you can fit in.
Japanese peeing
Nope, the Japanese don't pee. It's a genetic thing.
Call me naive, but I still don't get what these people are looking for. (I can only assume it's not a post about Japanese toilets.) Photos? Videos? And why Japanese? Are they more interesting pee-ers than, say, the Sri Lankans or the Swiss?
famous non-American people
Sorry, there are no non-Americans worth mentioning. All the famous people are indeed from the good old US of A.
This tickles me so very much. As if all folks from all other countries are indeed described using the term "non-American". As in, Gandhi, the famous non-American spiritual leader of a country which is not America...
pray the gay away t-shirt
Oh yes, I sell those. Actually they say, "I prayed the gay away! Ask me how." I will also be happy to pray your gay away for a small donation (damn, I really need to get me a PayPal Donate button...).
whore in regensburg
(must... resist... urge... to... link... to... Regensburg... expat... Ah, screw it.)
Sorry, you have the wrong blog. You must be looking for Cliff.
naked man pictures
Ha! Good luck finding those on the internet!
In an effort to get to know my new home country, I've been diligently checking out German TV. On of the shows currently on is The Next Uri Geller, a show in search of Germany's top mentalist.
I can't bear to watch this show. It's just too stupid, even for my relatively low standards. All the tricks are basic and banal, and none of the contestants can hold my interest. But the lamest part about the show has to be Uri Geller himself. In case you're not familiar (as I wasn't before I saw this show), Uri is an internationally-famous self-proclaimed mentalist who has been around since at least the 60s, and whose greatest power appears to be his ability to bend spoons. The main difference between Uri and, say, David Copperfield, is the fact that while David calls himself a magician and fully admits that he does "tricks", Uri insists publicly that he really does have some mystical power (and this despite the fact that he's been exposed as a fraud multiple times).
OK, so let's suspend our disbelief and say that Uri Geller really has special powers. Why is it that he hasn't come up with a more useful or impressive application of these powers than bending spoons in the past 50 years? I mean, come on. Spoon bending? How does that a show make?
If you hang out with any foreigners in Switzerland these days, sooner or later the conversation is likely to turn to the SVP’s current ad campaign. You know, the one where the white sheep are banishing the black sheep from their country. The posters are up all over Switzerland, and the ads are featured in newspapers daily. One would think (hope?) that the people responsible for such ads were some fringe radical right extremist group, but in fact it’s the largest political party in the country. The SVP claims that they only want to kick out criminal 'black sheep' (and their families), but the graphics tend to leave a different impression.
Now if the signs with the triumph of white (sheep) over black (sheep) isn’t enough wholesome Swiss fun for you, you can head over to this SVP site for even more xenophobic good times… in one game, you get to play a border patrol goat tasked with eating Swiss passports before they fall into the hands of the multi-color foreigners; in another, it’s your job to forcibly keep the black sheep from crossing the boarder into your country (but you can let the white sheep in).
I wish I were making this up.
[Note to my readers added 6-Sept-07: While I don't really have a policy for what can and cannot be said in the comments section, today I received an anonymous comment that was so disgustingly racist that I felt the need to delete it. It is hard to decide where to draw the line - I normally encourage debate and different viewpoints, but at the end of the day I do not want my blog used as a platform for anonymous hate speech. Feel free to share with me your thoughts on this decision, if you're so inclined...]
OK, actually I've never read a single Harry Potter book, nor seen a movie, nor bought his albums (surely he has albums too, no?) What I do know is that Ireland has gone mad for the new book, which was apparently available starting at midnight. Despite the rain, costumed teens and families were out waiting in line since at least 9pm here in Kilkenny, desperate to get their hands on Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows slightly before less zealous fans. When we emerged from the pub around midnight, there were long queues at multiple bookstores around town. Even more exciting than an iphone, I take it.
And the next time I do a "where am I" quiz, I'm going to have to make it much harder. You guys are too good.
Never fear, there's a whole line of toys in Switzerland designed to fix that:
I'm not sure I know what this one is (a fake cell phone, maybe?), but the offerings also included make-up sets and princess tiaras. Sweet.
Lest I leave you with the impression that it's only Americans who are out there dreaming up stupid products, I offer you this: Sputnik Vodka Flavoured Beer (notice how the 'u' in 'flavoured' precludes this from being an American creation). We came across it the other day while shopping at a Coop that is not the one we usually go to. Actually this Coop had a lot to offer in the beer department, and we went a little crazy with the let's-try-new-things thing.
I like beer, I reasoned, and I love vodka. So why wouldn't I love this stuff? Sounds like sound enough logic, no? So we took a bottle (and thankfully, only one) home with us to give it a try.
Here's the thing: whoever named this beverage concoction obviously has the word 'vodka' confused with the word 'Zima'. Beer isn't sweet, and vodka isn't sweet, so by what logic does Sputnik Vodka Flavoured Beer taste like a vaguely alcoholic extra-sugary Sprite?
I have learned my lesson: no more anything flavored beer, ever.
American grocery stores are totally overwhelming - so many food-like substances that we don't have in Switzerland! It's really fun to explore, but sometime I'm a little, um, disturbed by what I find. Here are some products I've discovered in the past couple days that I don't think existed last time I was in this country...
Piggies 'n' Pancakes On a Stick, maple syrup flavor in each bite! I think I was warned about these somewhere...
Candy bar breakfast cereal! Just one of the many reasons why this chart isn't surprising (although I am surprised that Switzerland is missing from it).
Strawberry kiwi protein water. Huh? Because we just can't be bothered to eat our protein anymore?
This, my friends, is Dirty Martini Mix. All I have to say is thank god someone finally came up with this stuff! Adding olive brine to vodka was always so gosh darn cumbersome. Now we can just add this stuff to vodka instead. And it contains that delicious artificial color that traditional dirty martinis were always lacking. Sweet.
Walking around Padua (Padova in Italian) last week, Ali and I happened across the graduation celebrations of a few university students. The first indication that something was up this day were the big signs plastered up along one side of a piazza. These each displayed a crude caricature of one of the graduates, along with a long and detailed narrative written by the grad's so-called friends.
A little farther ahead we saw some of the actual graduates, each surrounded by a small crowd which would occasionally break out into song: "Dottore, dottore, dottore del buso del cul! Vaffancul, vaffancul..." I believe the lyrics touch on how proud they all are of the graduate for all his or her hard work and academic achievement. Yeah, that's it...
Each scene was a little different, but mostly they looked like this: the graduate, wearing some ridiculous costume prepared by her admirers (a giant diaper, a hula skirt, a funny hat) stood on top of a bench which someone had thoughtfully covered with plastic sheeting. The grad would occasionally take sips from a bottle of cheap champaign, which may or may not be duct-taped to her hand. Every couple minutes, someone from the crowd would approach the grad and apply some variety of food substance (ketchup, raw egg, unrecognizable goo) to some part of said grad's body. The grad's mother stood somewhere in the crowd, holding the traditional wreath of laurels and beaming proudly.
There were of course many variations on this scene, such as the grad who had his feet tied together and was being made to hop through the streets while his blow-up-doll-toting, cross-dressed posse beat him repeatedly with inflatable bats. But the overarching theme was clear: public humiliation.
I really liked the idea of hazing someone at the end of his educational career, rather than at the beginning as it's traditionally done in the US (as is my understanding from watching movies such as Animal House). It seems less, what's the word... evil. Even the grads seemed to be enjoying themselves, as if it were clearly a privilege to have an egg stuffed into and broken inside one's giant paper-towel diaper while standing on a bench in the middle of town.
But I couldn't help but wonder what happened to those grads who didn't have many friends. Who humiliates them on their graduation day?
The Swiss newspaper SonntagsZeitung printed a new Gucci ad last week featuring an unknown male model - so unknown that not even Gucci had heard of him. Turns out the ad was a fake, and this guy just wanted to sneak a naked picture of himself into the newspaper. This isn't even the first time the mysterious guy has tried to con his way into the limelight. Perhaps he had read the recent headlines and was simply trying to bring sexy back to Switzerland?
What I'm wondering is, how is it so hard to catch a guy in a tiny country when you know exactly what he looks like? If you're in Switzerland, keep your eyes peeled... and if you spot him, make a citizen's arrest. Or just ask for his autograph.
Who thought it would be a good idea to use this particular picture in promotional material for the country of Liechtenstein?
Often, it's a good idea to watch some local television in your host country. It can help you pick up the language and its idioms. It can teach you something about the culture in which you are living, and even help you assimilate.
But sometimes, you turn on the TV and are greeted with things like this:
(You must watch to almost the end to see the best part, a spastic arm-grinding move that is, um.... just watch.)
Since I wrote this post a mere month ago, “peeing” has become one of the 20 most frequently-used search terms for finding this blog. Usually it’s in a combination of search terms, such as “peeing often after drinking”, “peeing art”, or the ever-popular “Japanese peeing”.
Now I’m not some naïve farm girl or anything… I’ve seen Avenue Q and know perfectly well what the internet is for. But peeing? Peeing? Come on, people, you can do better than that.
