Irresistible dick?

Spotted dick, calling to me from the grocery store shelf

When one has a sense of humor such as mine, one cannot simply walk by a display such as this. No, one must acquire said item, try it, and blog about it for posterity. Especially when it’s half off, by golly. I mean, could you resist cheap spotted dick? Continue reading

Because tap water is making you fat

Found this while sorting through my photos from our recent trip to the US. Sometimes Germany feels like an absurd pit of consumer product marketing (Obama Fingers, anyone?), but the US always manages to take it a billion steps further.

It also reminds me how much I love being served tap water in US restaurants – icy, free tap water. It’s so much better for the environment than bottled, and usually healthier for you, too. Given that Germany tends to be ahead of the US on environmental matters, I’m disappointed that bottled water is still so prevalent here. Alas, in this case the US is moving to be more like Germany instead of the other way around. Perhaps the Germans are worried that tap water will make them fat?

How not to chat up an American

Last week my friend Em and I were wandering around London looking for somewhere to quench our thirst. Walking past one particular pub, something caught our eye. A leathery man standing outside with a pint and a cigarette thought it was he. Actually it was the sign next to him declaring all drinks half-price today. “Go on in! You know you want to!” We did.

After we picked up our delightfully affordable drinks from the bar, we turned around to see that outside man had come in, and was headed our way. “I told ya. It’s a good place, in’t it?” Actually, the sign told us.

“Where you gals from, then?” Before we could answer, some emphatic instruction was added. “Please don’t say America!”

“OK, I won’t then.” I looked around for a table.

Pick-Up Lines That Work: Get the Girl Tonight!“I live in London,” added Em in a more friendly tone. She has much more patience for people than I do.

“Ah, so you ARE Americans!” As if he had beaten some sort of awful, embarrassing confession out of us. “Nah, that’s not all bad. I love America, actually. Well, San Francisco, anyway. The girls there are always all over me when I tell ‘em I ain’t gay.”

Sure they are, buddy. Sure they are.

“You’re not? Such a pity, since I only fuck gay guys.” I didn’t really say that. Instead I ushered Em over to a table in the corner. He got the hint and left us alone.

You might be surprised how many dudes in bars try to lead with the “You’re American? I hate Americans!” schtick. I’ve heard it a dozen times, and it still baffles me. I keep expecting them to follow it up with a discourse on how they despise pale skin and brown hair. Or talking to women.

What’s your favorite pick-up line? Does it involve an insult to the recipient’s country of origin? If so, please tell us in the comments how many times said line has successfully gotten you laid.

There’s a new lady bag in town

German Company Invents Pocket Toilet for Women

Lady Bags became sort of a conversational leitmotiv during the Whiny Expat Bloggers Meet-Up. We think they should market these at Oktoberfest by handing them out to bedirndled women waiting in long bathroom lines. Except they’re going to have to make them bigger, first, since I believe most women pee around once per Maß, and the gel can only absorb half a liter.

And I thought these Lady Bags were weird.

Have you ever peed in a yogurt cup during a road trip? Yeah, me neither. I guess it’s a German thing.

WTF photo of the day

I can kind of see how someone in Germany decided to name a receptacle for feminine hygiene products a “Lady Bag”. Certainly, much worse offenses against the English language exist here.

My ability to comprehend this item, however, ends at the graphic.

Any ideas?

How do I learn photography without overtaxing my lady-brain*?

Now that we own a DSLR camera, I figured it’s high time I learn something about photography. So I turned to that local bastion of adult education, the Munich Volkshochschule. Perusing the online course offerings, I was pleased to find a variety of classes on offer. Like this one:

Basiswissen Fotografie – Photography Fundamentals
Sie erwerben die wichtigsten Grundkenntnisse in der Handhabung von analogen und digitalen Fotokameras und erfahren Wissenswertes über die unterschiedlichen Funktionen und Möglichkeiten in der Anwendung. Themenbereiche sind Aufnahmetechnik (Blende, Verschlusszeit, Tiefenschärfe etc.) und eine Einführung in die Bildgestaltung. Eine Exkursion bietet Gelegenheit, das Erlernte in der Praxis auszuprobieren. Die anschließende Bildbesprechung schult das fotografische Sehen sowie die Wahrnehmung und Beurteilung der eigenen Fotografien.

[You will acquire the most basic skills in the use of analog and digital cameras and learn to use the different features and capabilities. Topics include recording technique (aperture, shutter speed, depth etc.) and an introduction to image making. A field trip provides an opportunity to learn in practice. The subsequent picture critique will teach students about photographic vision and the perception and assessment of their own photographs.]**

That sounds like what I’m looking for, right? Well, only if I’m willing to take a course that’s not tailored specifically to my genitalia. Luckily, I won’t have to settle for that. The next course on the list:

Basiswissen Fotografie für Frauen – Photography Fundamentals for Women
Wie gehe ich fantasievoll mit dem Medium Fotografie um? Welche Kamera ist für meine Bedürfnisse die richtige? Welche Technik brauche ich wirklich? Was ist der Unterschied zwischen analog und digital? Praxisnah werden die Grundlagen der Fotografie wie Blende, Zeit, Belichtung und Bildgestaltung vermittelt und geübt. Dabei spielt es keine Rolle, ob Sie mit einer analogen Kamera, also herkömmlich mit Filmmaterial, das entwickelt werden muss, oder mit einer digitalen Kamera, bei der die Bilder auf einer Speicherkarte gespeichert und dann am PC weiterverarbeitet werden, fotografieren.

[How do I work creatively with the medium of photography? Which camera is the right one for my needs? What technology do I really need? What is the difference between analog and digital? We will practice the basics of photography such as aperture, time, exposure and image design. It does not matter whether you are using an analog camera, ie a conventional one with film which has to be developed, or with a digital camera, in which the images go on a memory card and then are processed on a PC.]

And it wasn’t only this class. While the Digital Photography with Picture Editing course covers ‘the basics of photography in theory and practice’, the Digital Photography with Picture Editing for Women course description starts with the difference between old-fashioned cameras and those new-fangled digital thingies (in case you were wondering – they’re the same except one has film you have to develop). They didn’t mention it specifically, but I’m pretty sure all the pictures taken in this class are going to be of flowers and jewelry, too.

Um, huh? What’s the theory behind this? Does photography involve a competitive sport element I’m unaware of? Are certain parts of the camera best adjusted using one’s penis?

*Props to the fabulously funny Samantha Bee for the term “lady-brain”, which I use as often as possible. Video and transcript here.

** Translations are lazy approximate.

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