Hooray for Dollywood

In order to preempt what would surely become FAQs, there are two things I will make clear at the outset of this post:

1. There really is a place called Dollywood.
2. I really did go there. Jealous yet?

You may share your boob jokes in the comments.

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There is a special little part of the Great Smoky Mountains where the peanuts are boiled, the t-shirts are air-brushed, and the museums are upside-down. There is so much to see and do in this little pocket of heaven, but the ultimate little piece of kitschy goodness had eluded me until now. Dollywood is a theme park dedicated to thrill rides, folksy crafts, music, and the glorification of God for putting Dolly Parton on this earth. Kettle corn, too.

We had the good fortune of visiting during the ‘Festival of Nations.’ Given the homogeneity of the park guests, it was nice to see a little diversity. Check out this charming young Italian lad:

In addition to the regular park performers such as the Kingdom Heirs (presumptuous much?), the Festival of Nations involves performances from groups from all around the world. We sat down for an acappela show. After a promising first number, one of the young African men on stage started talking about how his life was changed when Christian missionaries came to his little village and shared the love of Jesus with them. We left to go find something that would calm our twisting stomachs, such as a roller coaster. Luckily there were lots of those.

Many of the rides have ‘example cars’ outside the entrance, which larger guests are encouraged to try out for size.

The guided tour of Dolly Parton’s tour bus was led by her number one fan, a local lady who could not say enough wonderful things about the star. As we left the bus she called out that we should be sure to find lunch in one of the park’s many restaurants. “Everything’s been baptized in grease and is absolutely scrumptious!”

I do have one bone to pick with Dolly. The museum in the park – the one covering Dolly’s life journey from poor country girl to international singing superstar? It’s called Chasing Rainbows. Dammit, that’s what I was going to call my museum. She stole my name. Now where will I put my collection of amply-bosomed sequined dresses?

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What will the museum that showcases your life story be called?

Tags: Dolly Parton, Dollywood, Tennessee, travel, USA

One last Gatlinburg t-shirt post

As you’ve already seen here and here, Gatlinburg, Tennessee, is obviously one of the world’s most thrilling t-shirt shopping destinations. Here are a couple more of the gems we found.

Poor guy must have a hell of a time getting through airport security.

OK, this isn’t technically a t-shirt. But still, isn’t it charming?

Somehow this shirt doesn’t seem to fit in with the others.

Yes, sir.

I’m dying to know what I could learn about history from someone wearing this.

Tags: Americana, funny signs, Gatlinburg, Tennessee, travel, USA

No such thing as separation of kitsch and state

As I mentioned in my previous post about Gatlinburg, its tourist shops specialize in t-shirts of all sorts. Two big themes are the wearer’s love of the United States of America, and the wearer’s love of Jesus. It seems that love really is best expressed in t-shirt form.

Jesus math!

I think what they meant to say is “Welcome to America, a glorious melting pot which welcomes and celebrates all cultures”. It just came out wrong.

It’s air brushed. It’s an eagle with a tattoo. What’s not to love?

I bet Jesus would be quite tickled by this shirt, don’t you think? Actually this Reece’s-Jesus shirt was featured in the horror movie documentary Jesus Camp. I’m sure it’s a hot seller.

Whew, so glad to hear that someone over here has experience with this sort of thing.

Oh, that God – always with the snappy come-backs.

I need someone to make me a t-shirt which expresses my love of kitschy t-shirts.

See also: One last Gatlinburg t-shirt post

Tags: Gatlinburg, Tennessee, travel, USA

Gatlinburg: trapping tourists in style

I’ll get back to Europe soon, I promise. But in the meantime, allow me to introduce (to the uninitiated) the town of Gatlinburg, Tennessee. Nestled in the Great Smoky Mountains, Gatlinburg is easily one of the top 10 kitschiest destinations in America (and we all know how much I love kitsch). The main drag is packed with more novelty shops, restaurants, tourists and attractions than you can shake a stick at.

There’s a Guinness Book of World Records museum, a Ripley’s Believe It Or Not museum, and at least five haunted houses. The two prevailing restaurant genres are steakhouses and pancake houses, several of which offer all-you-can-eat brunches with live performances by acts whose names include words like “hillbilly” and “revival”. If you don’t have time to sit, you’ll find plenty of street food options, many of which come on sticks. There are about 100 miniature golf courses, and countless shops where you can dress up in old-timey costumes and pose for wild west wanted posters. Yeah, that kind of town. And did I mention it’s right next door to Dollywood?

But really the best part about Gatlinburg, besides the obese people watching, is the t-shirt shops.

You thought airbrush went out in the 80s? Not in Gatlinburg it didn’t.

My husband and I had a hard time deciding which of these two designs to get to commemorate our trip (and express our eternal love for each other in t-shirt form). Which one would you recommend?

More to come…

Tags: Gatlinburg, Tennessee, travel, USA