As a perennial expat, I often get asked for advice about how to survive and thrive while living in a foreign country. For your reading pleasure (and the edification of expats and future expats everywhere), I have composed the following list of my top tips. Don’t leave home without them.
Although this advice is primarily aimed at Americans moving abroad, the general concepts can be applied to those from other home countries as well (except Upper Volta).
- Expect everything to be exactly like it is in your home country. Complain loudly about any differences you do find.
- Don’t bother to learn the local language. Instead, treat any natives you encounter who don’t speak English as if they are deaf idiots.
- Whatever you do, don’t compromise your diet. Demand butter be served with the bread in restaurants (best to carry an emergency supply in your purse, just in case). Spend as much time and effort as required to seek out every last food item you used to eat at home. If necessary, spend CHF 11 for a jar of pickles (sorry Sara, couldn’t resist…). Require all your visitors from the US to bring you peanut butter, ranch dressing, and easy cheese.
- Every chance you get, tell the locals (preferably in your best ‘loud American’ voice) what’s wrong with the way they do things in their country. They will greatly appreciate your expert opinion.
Please let me know if I have left any important items off this list. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go teach the Swiss how to make a proper burrito.
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I almost forgot to add: this post was inspired by this Group Writing Project. Check out the other entries to learn how to do almost anything.
-Always try to pay in American dollars.
-If the country you are in traditionally plays a team sport other than American football (And don’t even think about letting them call it “gridiron”), tell all the men that they are pussies.
-In order to celebrate your heritage, always drive on the right side of the road, no matter what the local preference is.
– Always complain about the lack of a zillion ice cubes in your cold drinks.
– Regard the fact that most stores are closed on Sundays as a sign that the country is positively uncivilized. How dare they rest and interrupt your retail therapy!
– Snicker at the local re-naming of items on the McDonalds menu. Cheese Royale! Har har.
– Complain about those teeny tiny portion sizes, for everything. Wax nostalgic about ‘surf ‘n turf’ (16-oz. steaks served with whole lobsters). That’s the American way.
– Grumble about the subtitles they dare to put on the movie screens.
– Metric is the measuring system of the devil.
-Bemoan the local tax rates. Who cares about universal healthcare when 10% of your yearly salary could be returned?
-Make sure everyone knows you are celebrating Thanksgiving and won’t be at work. Get snitty when other’s try to do this for their national holidays.
-Subscribe to US magazines only to complain that the international rate is highway robbery.
I’m not sure I could function without peanut butter! If I move, I’ll have to choose my country wisely.
Zurich actually has peanut butter, but only the sugary, solidified-fat kind.
But Zurich is a rare international-food diamond in the rough… we even have cheddar cheese, peanut butter cups, and Dr. Pepper here. It’s practically like living in America. Except for the damn lack of air conditioning…
Ha ha ha. Amazing how different things are, eh?? Our how-to is up as well if you’d like to check it out!!
Great post. I couldn’t live without AC. Nice contribution to the Group Writing Project. My How To is up also.
I think I could give up most American foods if I could have unlimited access to Öpfelchüechli. But I’m not giving up my butter hehe!
those pickles were damn good!
I could never give up peanut butter. Fortunately, I have the recipe. Put peanuts and salt in food processor. Blend to desired consistency. Serve hot, cold or at room temperature. 🙂
– Complain incessantly about the non-existence of Fish ‘n’ Chips and ‘proper’asian restaurants.
That is a great list! You forgot to add: Treat every american you meet like a long lost relative you haven’t seen for ages.
Don’t forget to remind everyone how much better something is in America. Always start these rants with “Well in American, where I come from …(ie the roads are bigger, the cars are faster, the weather in nicer, things are cheaper, blah blah blah)” locals LOVE THIS!
and
Most people outside of America don’t know where Little Rock, Augusta, Portland, Green Bay, or Scottsdale are located in the States. If you are asked where you are from in America Just say New York, LA, or Miami. It causes less confusion and people will think you are cool.
HTH
LOL – now that was funny!
I am a Brit in France, first thing I did was get UK Sat Tv installed, did it before I set my bed up!! See my new story unfold if you want to laugh at me!
http://london-to-la-rochelle.blogspot.com/